Change Starts...

When We Are Aware

 Manipulation can take place in a romantic relationship, in your family life, or with authority figures and leaders within an organization.

Manipulation can be hard to decipher at first. It can be disguised as a star employee, a never-does-anything-wrong boyfriend, or a leader you respect and admire. (At first) people who manipulate seem very compliant and respectful, but not for long.

 They listen to and do everything you say without talking back. They claim to appreciate you and want to help you out. They know what needs to be done to gain your approval, so they make sure to be on their best behavior. That’s until their true colors come out.

I’ve experienced manipulation in various relationships: as a manager, mentor, with leaders, in friendships, and in dating.

Now, we’re all guilty of using manipulation, at some point or another, to gain what we want. Sometimes, we don’t even realize we are being manipulative. We just consider ourselves good bargainers.

Have you ever…?

• Ignored someone for hours, days, or weeks at a time when they made you upset?

• Yelled at someone or attacked them verbally to make them feel badly about themselves or their actions?

• Told someone you would/wouldn’t only do something for them under certain conditions.

            Yep, that's manipulation.

Tactics like these are common, and we’ve all done it.

However, there are others who use manipulation as a way of life. They know how the game works, thrive off of it, and use it to their advantage to get whatever they want and need.

People who are very manipulative usually struggle with low self-esteem, and they feel the only way to get their needs met is to coerce people.

Manipulation can be common in those:

-With addictions

-Prone to narcissism

-With low self-esteem and/or insecurity issues

-Who like to be in control   

Here are some signs you are being manipulated:

1. Spills a Sob Story

No matter what kind of relationship you have with the person. People who use manipulation to get their needs met, always start with a sob story. They play the role of the victim and have a “woe is me” attitude. They may say things like, "You’re my only hope,” “I’m just looking for someone who can see past this and give me a chance,” or “I don’t know where I would be without you.”

I’m not saying their stories aren’t true or feelings aren’t valid, but they use this to grip your emotions so you can feel sorry for them. When you do start to sympathize, you are more likely to compromise and do whatever it takes to cater to their needs, even if it means neglecting your own or crossing boundaries.

2. Too Nice, Too Soon

The difference between someone who is being genuinely kind, and a manipulator is a person's intent. Manipulators are only kind because they want something from you. They expect a return from their investment.

They may buy you tons of gifts (or at least talk about getting you nice things, but won’t.) If they do buy you things it is only because they are expecting something in return, and when you don’t do what they want, they will want all their gifts back.

They love to use flattery to boost your ego. They may idolize you and make you feel like you’re their only source to the life they’ve been praying for. They do this to keep you tied to them and to cause guilt for leaving, stepping away, or telling them "no".

Note* For those of you who tend to operate from a Messiah Complex

(believing that you have the ability and power to save everyone). These

comments may make you feel needed and good about yourself, but at

the end of the day, no matter how much you help someone, true change

can only come from the person wanting the change for themselves. God

may use us as a source for change, but we aren’t God, and no matter how

much we do for someone we can’t save them, only God can, and God

gives humans free will. Therefore, ultimately every person has to

decide for themselves how bad they want something.

3. Verbally Abusive

 They may become verbally abusive. So don’t be surprised if one day they seem sweet and innocent. Someone who is always complimenting you and claims to be your best bud, yet the moment you do something wrong, they talk down to you and tell you how “awful” you are. (Proverbs 18:21, Matthew 12:34)

 They may not even say it in a harsh tone, but in a condescending way. They may act as if they are helping you to be a better person, but they are only trying to pull you down. They will use your fears and insecurities against you. They will try to touch your soft spots. Their goal is to make you feel lousy, so that you would never gain the confidence to stand up for yourself.

4. Compulsive Liars

They are really good at twisting the truth and coming up with false stories. They have no problem lying to get what they want. They may make the same "mistake" over and over and apologize over and over. They may find a new excuse or use an old one, but they never intend on changing their behavior. (John 8:44, 1 John 3:18)

5. Turns Others Against You

They may say only nice things to your face, but behind your back they speak badly about you. They do this so others can have a distorted view of you and a better perception of them (Proverbs 11:13). They will try to create division between you and the people you love. They will persuade people to be against you and for them. They will be the victim, and gossip to others about why you're the bad one. They will misconstrue your character and talk about all your negatives. They will tell people how you’ve done them wrong and spill a sob story to make them look like the victim again.

6. It’s Never Their Fault

People who are manipulative, never take responsibility for their own actions. They are blindsided by their own shortcomings. They play the blame game – they are always in the right and you are always in the wrong. They will make you feel guilty for everything you do, even if it's something that they did wrong. If they hit you, they will say, “See look what you made me do! If only you didn’t act like that!” Or if you make a mistake or don't do what they ask of you, they may say "You're letting everyone down," (Proverbs 12:15, Matthew 7:3-5),

7. They Must Be #1

Manipulators like to feel they have the ultimate say and authority over you. They take submission to another level. They always want to know where you’re going or what you are doing. They may track you down or even demand and permit you from hanging around certain people or doing certain things.

They will make you feel like you need them. They may say things like, "That's why you need me," “You’ll never find another (man, friend, employee) like me.” "Who will want you with ________, "  

They may even feel threatened by any outside relationship you have with other people. So, they will try to limit what activities you are allowed to be a part of.

8. Backing Down on Boundaries

Are they slowly getting you to go against rules/boundaries you set? You tell them, "I want to be home by 10:00pm," or "We can only talk for 1-hr, once a week", but they call you daily instead begging, "Just 30 more minutes, it isn't going to hurt you," "Please, I really need you right now."

Making exceptions every now and then is normal, especially if crossing the boundary doesn't bring any harm. However, if you always find yourself bending the rules for this person, even when you don't want to or know you shouldn't - learn to say "No." They may make excuses for why they can’t live up to your standards and it may seem really important, but remember there’s a reason you have boundaries, so stick to them.

Boundaries are good. They help us be safe.

It's what stops us from driving off the end of a cliff on a road.

So, if you are helping someone to the point of burnout, where you have overexerted yourself, you are overwhelmed, and your needs aren't being met, then, it's time that you stopped doing so much. Create some space (maybe one bigger than a 6ft social distancing rule) between you and that individual and take care of your needs.

Don’t allow them to persuade you to go against what you believe in or go against rules and guidelines that are meant to keep everyone safe. Soon enough, a just one-time excuse, will turn into an all the time habit, and you will be the one suffering from the consequences.

Remember you matter too.

If you feel like you are being manipulated, you struggle with manipulating people, or you have manipulative tendencies. Download my FREE E-book 7 Communication Tips to learn better ways to assert your wants and needs.

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