Change Starts...
When We Sacrifice
We all want to be happy in our relationships, yet most of us our failing to do so.
As my roommate and I were talking she asked me, “What do you think the secret to a successful marriage is?” I asked her, “Do you want what research says or my own personal opinion?” I ended up telling her about Gottman’s research, and how I also agreed with him, that healthy communication is essential. However, when I thought about this question in relation to my own experiences, biblical concepts, and what others have said, without hesitation, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Servanthood.”
After I explained my reasoning’s behind this answer, I was even more convinced that I hit the jackpot to relationship success. Both her and I agreed that servanthood should be the foundation of our marriages. Now, I’m not even married, so for those who are, feel free to agree or disagree, and also put your own opinions about what you think predicts success in a marriage. I am sure there are many things, but this, I believe, is one that can improve any relationship.
Why servanthood above anything else?
The Ultimate Example – In Mark 10:45, it states, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many” (NKJV). If we ever need to know how to live a Godly life, how to love others, and how to love our spouses, we can follow the example Jesus gave us. Jesus was always serving people and had a life that was about others more than it was about himself. When people mocked him and abused him, he never felt the need to defend himself, no matter what they did.
In Genesis 2:18, it says, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him’”(NKJV). This is the main purpose of any relationship, to help each other. Before we act, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this going to be helpful or harmful to my partner?” We are to help each other to reach their fullest potential, in whatever way we can. Whether it is being there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on, or doing something nice for them so that they have one less errand to run.
Lastly, in 1 Peter 3:1, it says, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives" (NKJV). Now, this was specifically given to wives married to an unbeliever; however, I believe we can still apply this same exact principle to our relationships. We should not win our spouses over by nagging them and telling them how they need to change, but by loving them through our actions. If we do this enough, they will be drawn to it and eventually, it will stir them to want to do the same for us.
We can keep telling our partners what we would like them to do, but instead we should set the example for them. Whatever you would like your spouse to do for you, I challenge you to do it for them instead. If you like massages, written notes, a home-cooked meal, do these things for your spouse without asking for anything in return.
If you are constantly finding ways to serve the other person, they will eventually feel so loved by you, that they are going to naturally want to give back to you as well.
Plus, if you are constantly thinking about how you can serve the other person, you have no time to think/complain about what needs of yours aren't getting met.
Develop a genuine heart and joy for serving others; then, it won’t feel like torture or something you have to do, but think, “This is the one individual I get to impact today, in a positive or negative way.” Find purpose in being able to serve those around you and know that you can never lose by giving.
My mentor once told me, “If both people are constantly thinking about each other and serving one another, then both people’s needs will constantly be met.” If both people develop an attitude of serving, there will be a lot less dissatisfaction in relationships. And if you serve your spouse, and they are not serving you, keep serving, don’t nag, criticize, or complain. As 1 Peter 3:1 mentioned, “Let us win our spouses over by our behavior instead of convincing them with our words.” (paraphrased).
So, I challenge you today, who can you be of service to today in your life?
It doesn’t have to be a spouse but it can be a friend, parent, mentor, or sibling. I challenge you to develop a mindset that is about serving others and less about what you need, want, or can get.
If you are married, I challenge you to do one DIFFERENT thing a day to serve your spouse. If you can’t stand your spouse right now, then especially do this until you enjoy it. Let me know what differences you see in your marriage, and if this idea of servanthood really is a predictor of successful relationships.
“Love your neighbor as yourself, there is no greater commandment than these,” (Mark 12:31, NIV)
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