Change Starts...
When We Are Vulnerable
Sometimes it's hard to tell who's real or what's real
With all the photo-shopping, editing, filtering, and pin-worthy photos (or portrayals), people tend to post most about flaunting success rather than being vulnerable about their mishaps.
We look at someone's life through the lens of social media and become envious about what seems to be such a perfect life, person, or body.
And It’s crazy to me how quick we draw conclusions about a person and their life based off what we see.
We don’t really know a person’s struggle or deep dark secrets, but we assume, that if they...
Have a ton of Instagram followers
Are "attractive"
Have a nice, "successful" family
Are rich and live in a mansion
Their parents are still together
Insert your own fact here
That their life must be perfect, and they must not have any problems, whatsoever. Or at least not face the same problems you do.
Even if someone’s life seems to being playing out well for them, and they seem to be more "successful" than others, that doesn’t mean they love their life or are not prone to problems.
Just because things seem so perfect on the outside, doesn't mean their life isn't chaotic.
My sister and I were talking, and she said when she told her friend how I ended up in the hospital due to major anxiety, she responded, “What! But your sister, she’s so beautiful. You really think someone like that could experience something so tragic?”
When my sister told me this I was shocked, saddened, and confused.
Do I appear as if I am exempt from being human and having problems?
Do people really view me this way?
Do people believe I have a perfect life?
I thought, man, I must be really good at hiding.
This wasn't the first time I had heard something like this. I’ve had other friends tell me,
- “Well, it’s not like you have to worry, because your life is perfect.”
- “I bet you never go through anything like this.”
- "Wow, I never would have been able to tell that you were going through all of that."
And those are just the comments people have said, I can't imagine what else people are thinking.
Again I kept thinking, “What!? Is this really what people think about me?"
I thought to myself that people really do misjudge you based off of what they see, but also, I know there is a part of me that likes to play "pretend", and hide the ugly truth about what I am really going through.
There are parts of us that we are not supposed to share with everyone, everyone doesn't need to know our business, but we do need to learn how walk in vulnerability & authenticity.
We do need to learn how to trust (the right) people enough with the hard things in our lives, because change happens, when we seek help and share our struggles. (James 5:16, Galatians 6:2, Hebrews 10:25)
Because of how I grew up, I never wanted to show my "weak" side and I had a hard time trusting people enough to be authentically vulnerable with them. I rarely ever told people my struggles. I was skilled enough, to trick even the most skilled counselors into believing that I had it all together.
I had a hard time admitting areas of fault and addressing the issues in my life that made me not-so-perfect. I hid a lot of what I was really going through, because I was ashamed. I was afraid, that if people knew who I really was, they would reject me, they would think I was psycho, weird, or strange, and this would rob me of what I so desperately wanted - to be loved and accepted.
Again, even though I believe we have the tendency to misjudge people and their circumstances, I know I was also great at masquerading my problems so much that people never really knew the real me.
People would see my smile, hear my laugh, and tell me how much they loved these things about me.
So, why would I ever want to sadden them with a sob story?
But what people didn't know is that behind the smile and laugh were years of depression and anxiety. That for every laugh you heard, was even double the amount of tears that were shed. For every smile, the many more gloomy days.
In person, I seemed fine, but when I would go home, I would isolate myself in my room - and only me and those four walls knew the struggles I had with depression, obsessive worrying, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, and cutting.
I struggled with depression and anxiety for so long that this became the norm for my life. I didn't know what it was like to "think about nothing" or have a good night's rest. I struggled with insomnia almost every night and it would take me about one to five hours to fall asleep.
And these were just some of the problems I faced on a daily basis.
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God, has healed me from a lot of these issues, and I don't struggle anymore in the same extent that I used to. I have understood that my identity is in Christ, and I no longer look to be accepted and loved by people, but instead, I continue to remind myself of the love that God has for me. (Romans 8:31-39)
Now, don't get me wrong - that doesn't mean I might not struggle with these things from time to time, because claiming victory over trauma, low self-esteem, torment, and demonic spirits can be a life-long battle we have to fight. (Ephesians 6:10-20)
Though, it has been a long process in declaring victory and freedom in certain areas of my life, I am thankful for all the challenges I've faced, as they have taught me so many things about God and myself. I may still have some healing and growing to do, but I have definitely come a long way and have grown a lot stronger mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I am thankful for the freedom, breakthroughs, and healing I have experienced through Christ, and I hope that when you see me now, you will gain a glimpse of this.
That my smile and my laugh will be genuine this time. That it would exude the joy in Christ I have. And though I smile and laugh, doesn't mean I am being fake about my struggles, and doesn't mean I may not be struggling, but I hope this time it will be with the realization that I have found my peace through trusting in Christ.
Romans 5:3, "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (NKJV).
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